On ‘The William’

dreamstimefree_118636“So there he was, this bloke had just knee-capped him”….  My Mum is talking.

“What?”  I say, utterly astonished – we live in polite, civilised society, where such things don’t happen…“Knee-capped him?”…. “Yes”, she continues, “broke both his knee-caps”….

“What the f**k?  Who are we talking about here, Mum?”

She says, “You know, Reg, I told you before it was Reg!!”  (a little peeved that I hadn’t been keeping up).

I sigh, “You mean, Reg Hollis… off “The Bill’?”

“Yes, I said so, why don’t you listen”.

“Oh for God’s sake Mum, why can’t you give me some warning when you segue from real life to TV police drama… I thought for a minute you were talking about someone we knew”.

I must admit, sometimes I kind of tune out.  My Mum, God love her, talks quite a bit about ‘The Bill’… and no offence (really), I sometimes don’t listen all that intently.  I can’t.  My concentration doesn’t really take loads of chat about TV shows I haven’t watched !!!

“I did say.  I can’t help it if you don’t listen”….  She continues…

So I drift in and out.  Sometimes I properly listening; sometimes I’m consumed in my own thoughts….  I fade in for a second…

“So she was standing over this body, in her house, blood everywhere…”

“What the Hell, Mum, who are we talking about?”  I stutter.

“June, I told you before it was June, you really should listen better”.

I stammer, “When did this happen?  June from across the road you mean?”

“No silly, June Ackland – I did say”  She remonstrates.

I’m sounding distinctly non-plussed now… “June Ackland… off ‘The Bill’?”…

“Yes, of course.  I did say.  You never listen”.

“Oh for F**ks sake Mum.  You’ve got to leave some space in between talking about June from over the road, and June off ‘The Bill’.  I’m really beginning to think that your friends – who appear benign enough – are mixed up in some horrendous homicidal happenings.”

(Ooooo get me, how was that for alliteration – totally unplanned I promise you !!!!)

Please note here that these scenarios that I am attributing to ‘The Bill’ are not accurate, I’m making them up.  Don’t any ‘The Bill’ lovers write to me saying “Dear Madam, I do not recall that particular scenario in any episode of ‘The Bill’ – the character of Reg Hollis, to my knowledge has never had both of his kneecaps broken, would you kindly advise which episode you are referring to.  I would be grateful if you would let me know the year and episode number in which these events allegedly transpired.  Reply at your earliest to Mr Bill Billkins, 10 Bill Street, Billhampton  BP25 BOG.  Yours in anticipation,”  and so on.

Mum, that also goes for you !!!

Next week, my lovelies…

rooshkie. x. 

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Thanks to Dreamstime.com for the image.

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Con-fuse-us ?

????????????????????????????????????????I think Confucius was a joke.  No, sorry, to any Confucians… I’m not being personally insulting.  I don’t mean that he, the man, was a joke.  I mean I think the name is a pun.

Confucius just sounds too close to CONFUSE US, to be real… don’t you think?

The enigmatical statements that have been attributed to him, are to some extent, I suspect, made up… or at the very least misattributed.

For example: –

Confucius he say… well you have to patronisingly write it, and say it, as if someone is speaking Chinglish don’t you… it’s mandatory… as with quoting anything from the legendary TV series Kung Fu…

“Ah Glasshoppa… when you can snatch the pebbre flom my hand, you wirr have leached enrightenment”…

If anyone’s offended, then I apologise, but in my defence – you can choose to believe this or not – I do not have a racist bone in my body, and if you want to take the mick out of my accent or pronunciation – then fill your boots!

Here’s a quote attributed to Confucius…

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

My gratitude to Brainyquote.com… a brilliant resource.

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/confucius.html#ixzz1iFjPvAE0)

But, my point is… Do you really think these sound like the words of a fourth century BC Chinese Philosopher… ?

What about this one…

“Never give a sword to a man who can’t dance.”

Huh?  What?  What in heck does that mean?  That’s so inscrutable !!!

I’ve decided that this week, I’m going to try and use the above line as much as possible, and in a variety of scenarios.  That should mess a few people up !!!

So, if I’m walking down the street and have to stop at a crossing, and there’s a “yoof” with his earbuds in standing next to me, I’ll gently motion to him that I need to speak with him, he will reluctantly remove one earbud only, look at me quizzically and resentfully, as if I have just invaded his homeland, and I will say “Never…. but NEVER give a sword to a man who can’t dance”. Tap my nose in the universal sign language of mutual conspiratorial understanding, and then walk away.

I coined my own pseudo-Confucian quote, and it goes like this…

(Please use your best Chinglish)…

Confucius he say, “Why iss every-ting so con-fushe-ing?”.

Next week my lovelies, Alan Fresco in the bloody lucky country.

rooshkie. x.

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An Hefalump in the Room….

© Pierdelune | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Pierdelune | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Here’s me.  OK.  This is ‘who’ I am.  I am the person who always points out the elephant in the room.  It can be present in any scenario; family, business, relationship, but all the other people in the metaphorical “room” will sit there ignoring the elephant, pretending that this great big f**k off thing isn’t there, chatting away politely about anything and everything else.

But I, and usually only I, will pipe up.  “Good God, will you just look at that enormous elephant!!!”  And I won’t just say that it’s there.  I’ll say how I perceive the elephant and what I think it means.  Everyone else present will adopt a look of confused perturbation and say “What?”, “Where?”, “Dunno what you mean!”.

So I follow with, “Look, F**king great grey thing – enormous carcass straddling the coffee table – you even have to dip under its massive saggy belly to get a bickie – friggin’ great tree trunk legs pushing up against the 3-piece.  Look, open your eyes (mind) and see it!!”.

I completely lack the two most common emotional coping mechanisms – avoidance and denial.  I’m just no bloody good at them.  I hate to avoid anything.  As far as I’m concerned if it’s there, then it needs to be recognised, observed and discussed.  Denial is also for me simply a warping of reality.  Nothing denied EVER goes away.  In fact, if you deny the elephant, then it just grows bigger and bigger, and then it gets angry at being cooped up in the sitting room, and it trumpets louder… LET ME OUT!!!

I want to associate with people who don’t feel confronted by bare-faced honesty; with the integrity to understand that the kind of rich and full life that I want (and that I believe everyone wants deep down, but many people are too frightened or jaded or damaged to go for) cannot be achieved without this kind of purity of communication.

More that this I KNOW that I can only achieve truly transcendental relationships (in the broadest sense) with those who are able to be as entirely frank and honest as I am, and who can drop the crap (the elephant sized crap… and that’s BIG), and just be utterly real… and see the pachyderms in our midst.

Next week my lovelies…

rooshkie.  x.

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http://www.stockfreeimages.com/ – thank you for the lovely elephant !!