“What?” I say, utterly astonished – we live in polite, civilised society, where such things don’t happen…“Knee-capped him?”…. “Yes”, she continues, “broke both his knee-caps”….
“What the f**k? Who are we talking about here, Mum?”
She says, “You know, Reg, I told you before it was Reg!!” (a little peeved that I hadn’t been keeping up).
I sigh, “You mean, Reg Hollis… off “The Bill’?”
“Yes, I said so, why don’t you listen”.
“Oh for God’s sake Mum, why can’t you give me some warning when you segue from real life to TV police drama… I thought for a minute you were talking about someone we knew”.
I must admit, sometimes I kind of tune out. My Mum, God love her, talks quite a bit about ‘The Bill’… and no offence (really), I sometimes don’t listen all that intently. I can’t. My concentration doesn’t really take loads of chat about TV shows I haven’t watched !!!
“I did say. I can’t help it if you don’t listen”…. She continues…
So I drift in and out. Sometimes I properly listening; sometimes I’m consumed in my own thoughts…. I fade in for a second…
“So she was standing over this body, in her house, blood everywhere…”
“What the Hell, Mum, who are we talking about?” I stutter.
“June, I told you before it was June, you really should listen better”.
I stammer, “When did this happen? June from across the road you mean?”
“No silly, June Ackland – I did say” She remonstrates.
I’m sounding distinctly non-plussed now… “June Ackland… off ‘The Bill’?”…
“Yes, of course. I did say. You never listen”.
“Oh for F**ks sake Mum. You’ve got to leave some space in between talking about June from over the road, and June off ‘The Bill’. I’m really beginning to think that your friends – who appear benign enough – are mixed up in some horrendous homicidal happenings.”
(Ooooo get me, how was that for alliteration – totally unplanned I promise you !!!!)
Please note here that these scenarios that I am attributing to ‘The Bill’ are not accurate, I’m making them up. Don’t any ‘The Bill’ lovers write to me saying “Dear Madam, I do not recall that particular scenario in any episode of ‘The Bill’ – the character of Reg Hollis, to my knowledge has never had both of his kneecaps broken, would you kindly advise which episode you are referring to. I would be grateful if you would let me know the year and episode number in which these events allegedly transpired. Reply at your earliest to Mr Bill Billkins, 10 Bill Street, Billhampton BP25 BOG. Yours in anticipation,” and so on.
Mum, that also goes for you !!!
Next week, my lovelies…
Thanks to Dreamstime.com for the image.